Family Planning Advice

Discussion in 'The Pavilion' started by Savak, Dec 15, 2020.

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  1. Savak
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    Savak Emerging Player

    Feb 26, 2013
    969
    I got nikkaofied to my wife in 2019. We are currently waiting for the spousal sponsorship which has been in limbo thanks to Covid and there has been no progress on the application since then. I unfortunately due to luck, lack of good choices available at the time married pretty late in life i.e. at the age of 35. My wife is 20 years old and she has ambitions and passions to pursue Law further which on a full time basis will involve another 6 years of education, then having to do an apprenticeship/article-ship for a Law Firm and then having to write the Bar Exam. This could mean another 8 years of studies and then working.

    While i am personally in no urgent rush to start a family asap but i also don't want to put it aside permanently either as it is something that a couple should strive for at some point. A lot of my friends privately whisper in my ear that you are now 35 years old, you already married extremely late in life, do you seriously want to wait for you wife to finish her studies, become a lawyer and then look to start a family at the age of 42-43? Don't you think that will be very late? Do you seriously want your kids to be unsettled, dependent on you by the time you reach retirement age at 60 years old, there is no telling what your health will be like by that time and whether you will actually be dependent yourself on your family. Therefore you should ignore your wife's desire to pursue Law and actually impose the decision of starting a family with her immediately within 5-6 months when her visa comes through and she actually starts living with you, she can try to pursue her law career later on one you guys have started a family and had 2-3 kids atleast.

    A few notable exceptions including some women who fell into this trap have warned me against doing this as it is very very hard for women to focus on their careers, education once they have kids immediately after marriage and it is actually easier for them to start a family and balance work, family once they are professionally settled as they have the financial resources to hire help. They have also said that this talk of your kids being dependent on you when you reach 60 is rubbish, maybe you might live till your 70's, 80's and be able to run your own business and continue to provide for your family, kids. Maybe your wife will also be well settled enough and be able to support the kids out. Besides your kids will be living in the West, they will also have enough resources and aptitude to fend for themselves once they reach 18 plus. You should also look to invest your money, assets wisely and sign up for good life insurance policies.

    Me and my spouse have had many general discussions on this topic but it is extremely hard for both of us to say anything on this issue for now given that her papers havent come through and she is sitting in Pakistan while i am living abroad. But i come from a family where we have always encouraged and let all the girls, women in the family study. Lol my dad is under the illusion that perhaps my wife will be able to study law via online courses, part time classes and still handling the kids. I have basically told my wife is that its pointless to think that far ahead right now and its best to go one step at a time, the first is for her to come to my country, the next step is for us to get comfortable living with each other as Husband and Wife, then the next step is for her to get used to living in her brand new country and my home, then the next step is for her to join the law program at University and atleast study for a year or two and get a feel for the studies, assess whether she will be able to handle starting a family, dealing with a todler and if the option of the online courses are there, feasible. This is how i am seeing it at the moment.

    Anyways i thought i would get everyone's opinion on the subject and what tips, suggestions and perspective they have to offer
     
  2. Fireworks11
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    Fireworks11 Kaptaan

    Sep 22, 2012
    31,530
    nikkaofied is a funny word lol
     
  3. ShokoTolo_LoloMoto
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    ShokoTolo_LoloMoto Banned

    Apr 16, 2010
    1,757
    So first things first, I would NOT marry a girl 15 year younger than me. This gap is WAY TOO big to be on the same mental level. And it sorta gets a little more challenging when you have spent quite a few years in the United States or in the western world. The gap in mental compatibility widens quite a bit.

    Your view, your vision, your mindset and your general approach to life has hugely changed over the years. A person at 35 who is brought up in Pakistan and you, have a total different view on life and society. Your experiences in the western world put you in a different league altogether.

    Physical incompatibility is another major issue. By the time you are 50, she will be thirty five and she will hit her sexual peak, while at 50, you will get erection once a week or something, and that too, with pre-mature ejaculation problem.
    So you will be spending quite a lot of money in buying Viagra because insurance doesn't cover it.
    You think it’s funny? Wait till you get there, son.


    So first things first, when your wife arrives into the US, Do NOT, and I repeat do NOT expect her to be able to think and act like you do. She thinks differently, and she will also be a little slow in grasping the things, she will take time to have her mindset changed - just like you took time from the day you arrived into the USA and today.

    You MUST give her at least 5 years to be able to come onto the same mental level as you are. You must remain patient and be forgiving.

    Now we come to the point.
    I got married at 32, which I think was also late.

    Here is what's gonna happen to you if you have a baby right now.
    By the time your child is 5 years old, you will be about 40.

    This is already a border line challenging situation.
    Kids, starting from the age of 4 to about 12 are extremely energetic, while your decline starts at 40.

    So what happens? You come home tired of day's work, but your kid or kids are waiting and ready to play with you. They want to run around, they want you to chase them, play with them, make them laugh, they want you to take them to park and play sports with them - which is all natural.
    But you on the other hand is already panting from the days work. Years of working in the United States have already taken the toll on you. You want REST but you won't be able to since the small kids won't let you sleep at night either. It's a challenge.

    This is just the tip of the iceberg.
    The gist of the situation is, raising kids require A LOT of stamina and energy. They have a physical need. This is not India Pakistan where they will step out of the house and play cricket and football in the street with the other kids.

    You will need to daily take them to their sports clubs, swimming baseball tutoring classes etc. It's a one freaking daunting task.

    And that's why, it's ALWAYS good that your kids are grown ups BEFORE you get old. And this can happen only and only when you get married early.
    20 is the best age to get married. By the time you are 40, your kids are about 20. And you are ready to play with your grand kids.
    It just cannot get any better than that.
    Yes, if you are some sorta of genius kid who is shooting for a medical school and have a total focus on your education, then perhaps you can wait to get into med school before you get married. But you are an ordinary lallu panju like myself who has some master's degree and 5 figure salary then, you should not wait, and get married at 20. College and university can be done with a wife for such students.

    If I was you, I would take either of the two routes. Do not have kids at all OR have them ASAP.
    If you are a US Citizen, your children if born in Pakistan, will be automatically US Citizens.
     
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2020
  4. ShokoTolo_LoloMoto
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    ShokoTolo_LoloMoto Banned

    Apr 16, 2010
    1,757
    Remember, this is NOT Pakistan where you can hire tons of domestic help to raise kids and help with household work, and then you have close families, like maamay ka ghar and naani ka ghar, and phoophi ka ghar, and chachay ka ghar with tons of cousins that all play their part to provide a social set up during the raising of your kids.

    Here in the U.S., YOU HAVE TO DO IT ALL.

    It's EXTREMELY hard to raise kids in U.S. if you want to preserve some of your cultural and religious values. You must have a lot of energy and stamina, otherwise, with an already broken back due to years of working in the U.S., it's very challenging to raise kids while you are getting older by the day.

    I am also assuming that your wife wants to pursue law here in the U.S., otherwise, she will be shooting herself in the foot if she wants to do law in Pakistan. It means zilch in the U.S.

    And as I stated above, med school is the only exception, otherwise pursuit of any other degree is possible (even though not always easy) with kids.
    She should be OK to pursue the degree if you work part time from home and be able to take care of the babies. If she agrees, then you should plan accordingly and support her in following her dreams. I would not stop her.

    Nonetheless, if you want kids anyway, then

    Go to Pakistan, take a few "shots in the dark" and hope that she gets pregnant.
    Once the baby is born, all you will need is to file some form of foreign birth for your baby, and the baby will get a US passport right away through US Embassy in Islamabad -IF you are a U.S., for more than 5 years.
     
  5. isaacking
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    isaacking Talented

    Jul 16, 2010
    2,355
    Frankly the issue you are raising now must have been raised and sorted out before you got married.

    Now you can only adjust with what life will throw at you.

    All we can do for you is pray that Allah bless you with ease in matter related to you wife and family.

    Sent from my CPH1823 using Tapatalk
     
  6. ASLI-PATHAN
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    ASLI-PATHAN Cricistan Khan

    Apr 26, 2011
    64,645
    Remember the woman's primary & most important job in the World is raising the next generation. So don't wait for anything else and don't do any family planning. Believe in Allah whatever he wishes will be good for you.
     
  7. s_h_a_f
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    s_h_a_f Moderator

    Dec 26, 2011
    8,604
    Best time for you to have kids is now. But maybe not for your wife because she is young & wants to fulfill her educational aspirations. This is the conflict you face when you marry someone 15yrs younger & vice versa.

    By the time she might want to have kids, you will be in your early 40’s.
     
  8. Don Duckman
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    Don Duckman Tracer Bullet

    Apr 7, 2014
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    r/ Yasmin 0.03mg/3mg once a day during 21 days followed by 7 days no pill then next tablet
     
  9. Fireworks11
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    Fireworks11 Kaptaan

    Sep 22, 2012
    31,530
    Welcome back, where did u disappear to?
     
  10. Don Duckman
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    Don Duckman Tracer Bullet

    Apr 7, 2014
    5,525
    Life got busy... how about you, everything good?
     
  11. Fireworks11
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    Fireworks11 Kaptaan

    Sep 22, 2012
    31,530
    All good man. Join www.mafiagangs.net
     
  12. Disco Lemonade
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    Disco Lemonade Design Artist

    Dec 17, 2009
    5,916
    just slight changes and all the above is correct.

    in my personal opinion, giving a child to you is not in your hands. so planning in this case seems a bit odd. go with the flow, education is mandatory, having a child is most important. prioritize, she can pursue her career a year or two later aswell.
     
  13. Disco Lemonade
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    Disco Lemonade Design Artist

    Dec 17, 2009
    5,916
    its cringe honestly and every new couple seems to be using it.
     
  14. Mad Genius
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    Mad Genius Cornered Tiger

    Oct 6, 2014
    10,143
    Good to see you alive man
     
  15. s_h_a_f
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    s_h_a_f Moderator

    Dec 26, 2011
    8,604
    Savage, but true.
     
  16. ShokoTolo_LoloMoto
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    ShokoTolo_LoloMoto Banned

    Apr 16, 2010
    1,757
    just imagine, when you were 20, she was 5 years old. WTF dude, WTF???

    One should be considerate, and specially the mother and sisters of the boy who go in homes to offer rishta on such girls well knowing the huge age difference.. Kuch khuda ka khofe karo yar.
     

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