Dear Team Pakistan,

Lets retain our title. Your individual brilliance is capable enough to do so, but the following instructions wouldn’t hurt our cause.

1. Warm-up matches: Use them effectively. Players should get a feel of how Afridi molests them for their misfieldings. And more importantly sit Salman Butt out for the rest of the tournament after these warm-up games. Thats been a good omen for us.

2. Group match vs Bangladesh: Lets win this and we’re through to the next stage. Provided that nobody has been sent back – for hitting a teammate with a bat, a ball, taking banned drugs, taking unbanned drugs, boycotting to play because his brother is dropped, warts, sent back from the airport for carrying anything from the hakeem, carrying the hekeem, or being the hekeem – we should field our strongest team. Sami’s pace should be more than enough to handle. For Bangladesh that is.

3. Group match vs Australia: We dont have to win this. And knowing you lazy bums, you guys wont even try. Unless you were being lazy bums vs Bangladesh too and lost. In which case, open the bowling with Ajmal. Watson wont like that one bit. Neither will left handed Warner. The most dangerous players from Australia are Warner, Cameron White (both world XI material) and for our fragile batting, Nannes, Tait and anyone who rolls him arm for fun, including Sir Nathan Hauritz.

You’d want to see the back of Warner and Watson first (but not for the same reason Younis would have). Then we have to make sure not to see Cameron White’s front (again, Younis might’ve disagreed). Remember C.White, right? We can avoid him by making sure Micheal Clarke stays in the middle as much as possible. Clarke’s strike rate is 108 so we must let him face EVERY ball, and concede a single of the last ball of every over by placing 9 fielders on the boundary in the trademark Mohammed Yousuf style. But knowing you bunch, one of you will take the blinder of the year to get him out and then break into celebration too. In that case, enter Cameron White, and you’d have better won the match vs Banglesh. Then when Nannes and Tait bowl, scoop everything.

4. Super-8 match vs England: KP, E.Morgan and Collingwood are world class. And they all play for England. As a pre-match preparation, ask that experienced player, Shoaib Malik, if he can distract the England outfit by marrying one of their wags over the phone. 3 spinners wouldn’t be such a bad idea. Rehman could trouble KP. Razzaq could finish it off later.

5. Super-8 match vs NZ: Vettori, Bond and McCullum would walk into the world XI, specially since Gul is not there to crush their walking legs. Sami should be handful here again. They have traditionally collapsed to our quickies, even Sami. They’re not too fond of playing spinners either. Or semi-finals. or Pakistan. wink wink. Vettori’s going to find something to bitch about after the loss anyway, so make it easy for him. I suggest Afridi moon-dancing on the wicket with the ball in his mouth.

6. Super-8 match vs SA: The good news is if we’ve won vs Eng and NZ, we dont necessarily have to win our toughest match of the stage. Wait thats not the good news; the good news is that even if this match is crucial, Choka-Cola isn’t the official sponsor of South African team for no reason. Have spinners on the menu please. And target their weak armory: Smith’s fragile fingers, Kallis’ man-boobs and Gibb’s personal life.

7. Semi Final: If you’ve followed the instructions properly, you should be facing one of the following teams in the semi: Aus, Ind, SL, W.I.

If its Aus again, refer to number 3.

If its India, Bounce out the following batsmen: Gambhir, Vijay, Raina, Yuvraj, Sharma, Dhoni and Pathan. Then smash the following bowlers to all parts of the park for DLF Maximums: Harbhajjan, Zaheer, Nehra, Praveen Kumar and Yousuf Pathan. Wouldn’t mind playing the India-specialist here = Salman Butt. Ajmal can sit out. Irfan would’ve been handful here. Asif, Aamer, Sami, Razzaq + Afridi would do.

In the post-match presentation, be sensitive to Indians’ feelings and call your win a “Citi moment of Success” and refer the dollies that fell in you pockets as “Carbonn Kamaal Catches”. Besides, if there was ever a kamaal catch in the world, it has to be one a Pakistan fielder holds on to. coughAkmalcough

If its SL, hand the ball to Aamer and ask Dilshan to scoop him. Next, target Sangakara’s ego and run the winning run off an lbw appeal. That worked last time. If Sangakara is bitter loser as usual and doesn’t give you any credit in post-match presentation again, invite him and his boys for a test match in Lahore.

If its W.I for some reason, then just hope its not one of their home umpires officiating. Failing that, just give up and head back to the dressing room. Later ask Kamran Akmal to pretend to read an English paper in the balcony.

Whoever you play the final with, is covered in my 7 steps. This is where it all comes down. And by that I mean feel free to chew onto the ball if they need something like 20 runs from 4 overs. World cup glory >>>>>> two match ban!! duh.

Thats it. Enjoy the moment like you’re the Kings of the World!

Until the next IPL auction.